Joke 4 laugh May

• A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!''Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.'Your turn,' says the man.'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
• A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!' Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
• Before you read on, you may be interested to know that this was voted the UK's favourite joke:A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
• A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.""I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold.""OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night.""You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
• Three Australians and three Englishmen are going to a football match. At the train station, the three Australians each buy a single and watch as the three Englishmen buy just one ticket between them."How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Australians. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Englishmen. They all board the train. The Australians take their respective seats but all three Englishmen cram into a loo and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the loo door and says, "Ticket please."The door opens slightly and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Australians are mightily impressed, and after the game, to save money, they decide to repeat the Englishmen's trick. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, however, the Englishmen don't buy a ticket at all."How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Australian."Watch and learn," says one of the Englishmen.The train departs, the three Englishmen cram into a loo, and the three Australians pile into another one nearby. Shortly afterwards, one of the Englishmen sneaks out of the loo, knocks on the door of the loo in which the Australians are hiding, and says, "Ticket please…"
• The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.''But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.' With that, he leaps out of the plane. Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.''No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'
• A man's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!""Why do you say that?" he asks."The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
• A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies. He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
• A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a really difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.""What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" her boyfriend asks."According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger," says the blonde. Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She has all the pieces spread over the table. He studies them for a moment, then looks at the box and says, "I don’t think you'll make this look like a tiger. Let's have a cup of tea and then…then we'll put all these Frosties back in the box."
• The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"
• Q: Why are hurricanes named after women? A: Because when they come, they'rewild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.
• While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked." The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?" But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work. Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic. Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?""Blind man," a man's voice comes back.So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"