String Fellow

Sacha Baron Cohen (AKA Ali G)sports a giant thong to promote his new film, Borat The Movie, at the 59th Cannes Film Festival.

Joke 4 laugh May

• A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!''Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.'Your turn,' says the man.'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
• A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!' Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
• Before you read on, you may be interested to know that this was voted the UK's favourite joke:A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
• A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.""I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold.""OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night.""You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
• Three Australians and three Englishmen are going to a football match. At the train station, the three Australians each buy a single and watch as the three Englishmen buy just one ticket between them."How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Australians. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Englishmen. They all board the train. The Australians take their respective seats but all three Englishmen cram into a loo and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the loo door and says, "Ticket please."The door opens slightly and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Australians are mightily impressed, and after the game, to save money, they decide to repeat the Englishmen's trick. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, however, the Englishmen don't buy a ticket at all."How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Australian."Watch and learn," says one of the Englishmen.The train departs, the three Englishmen cram into a loo, and the three Australians pile into another one nearby. Shortly afterwards, one of the Englishmen sneaks out of the loo, knocks on the door of the loo in which the Australians are hiding, and says, "Ticket please…"
• The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.''But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.' With that, he leaps out of the plane. Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.''No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'
• A man's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!""Why do you say that?" he asks."The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
• A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies. He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
• A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a really difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.""What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" her boyfriend asks."According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger," says the blonde. Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She has all the pieces spread over the table. He studies them for a moment, then looks at the box and says, "I don’t think you'll make this look like a tiger. Let's have a cup of tea and then…then we'll put all these Frosties back in the box."
• The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"
• Q: Why are hurricanes named after women? A: Because when they come, they'rewild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.
• While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked." The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?" But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work. Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic. Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?""Blind man," a man's voice comes back.So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

Actor n Newspaper

Oscar-winning actor Robert De Niro is planning to buy The New York Observer, along with film producer Jane Rosenthal and her husband, Craig Hatkoff. The high-powered trio, who launched New York's Tribeca Film Centre and Festival in 1990, are meeting Arthur Carter to discuss purchasing the Manhattan weekly. The paper has been snubbed by many potential buyers after reportedly making huge losses, but if he takes it on, De Niro hopes corporate giants like L'Oréal will invest.

Liverpool Liverpool YNWA

The FA Cup final between Liverpool and West Ham was watched by 11 million, making it the most-watched sporting event of the year so far. The match, screened by the BBC, started with 6.8 million viewers but rose to 11.3 million as the two teams battled it out during a nail-biting penalty shoot-out, which eventually saw Liverpool take the title. The figures are for viewers who watched the match at home and do not include those that saw it in pubs or clubs. A BBC spokeswoman said the corporation was "delighted" with the figures, adding: "They show the nation is warming up for the World Cup next month."

Blanie Latest

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HW5QA9yglBw&search=david%20blaine
Check this out, near the end bit is the best .

MTV's Challenge

Music channel MTV will tomorrow launch a digital music download service designed to compete with Apple's iTunes. The service, called Urge, will use Microsoft's Media Player software and is aimed at the growing number of people who own digital music players other than the ubiquitous iPod. Rival music download services have had limited success in the past, but none has had the marketing muscle of MTV. In contrast to iTunes, Urge offers an unlimited subscription for just $9.95 a month. But it faces a formidable challenge: iTunes has sold more than one billion tunes since it launched three years ago.

Mission Impossible

China may ban Mission: Impossible 3 because it implies that Shanghai police may not be the world's finest thief-catchers. The film contains one scene in which Ethan Hunt, played by Tom Cruise, jumps over the top of the Bank of China Tower in Shanghai. The Beijing Times, who along with other media feel the film will either be banned or at least heavily censored, stated: "Chinese viewers will have trouble accepting this plot of foreign criminal elements fighting publicly in Shanghai." Another commentator added that the scenery was cliché, saying: "In the Shanghai scenes all the roofs and alleys have ragged clothes hanging from bamboo sticks."

Free Love

A candidate for the forthcoming election in Cyprus is promising a regime of free love if he is elected to become one of the island's MPs. Costas Kyriakou, nicknamed Utopos, believes that people should live in communes and share everything - even each other. "The men will see it as a system of free love, the women as a matriarchy," he claims. "They will be able to carry the sperm of the most handsome men and give the child her name."

Blaine again

David Blaine has announced that his next stunt will be living among wild animals in the jungle. The illusionist, who last week failed to break the world record attempt for holding his breath underwater, has already planned his next illusion, despite suffering convulsions and skin problems during the last one. Speaking to the New York Post, Blaine said he believed that this next challenge is more unbelievable than anything else he has attempted: "I'm planning to live harmoniously among wild beasts. And I'd like to do it alone in the jungle."

PRESENTS FOR A PRESIDENT

Under American law, US statesmen must declare any gifts that they have received worth over £160, and those of George Bush and Dick Cheney make interesting reading. The President's list includes a chainsaw from a DIY store, a pair of £273 cycling shoes from Nike, a £2,900 mountain bike and an iPod from U2's Bono. George Bush comes across as a caring soul, giving his Vice President, who suffers from heart attacks, a £180 hammock. The Vice President, who accidentally shot a lawyer while hunting this year, was also presented with a £3,250 antique Colt 45 revolver by US Firearms Manufacturing

THE £60,000 KISS

Retail billionaire Philip Green has paid £60,000 to watch Kate Moss kiss the socialite Jemima Khan. The BHS boss won a charity bidding war against Khan for the chance to kiss supermodel Kate, but instead of taking the prize for himself, he generously gave it away to his rival. Green then looked on as the two women locked lips in London hotspot Annabel's. One guest said: "We thought it was going to be a kiss on the cheek but it lasted over 60 seconds… A few people were a bit shocked but everybody was laughing afterwards." The auction raised more than £200,000 for the Hoping Foundation, which helps Palestinian refugee children.
Hell i would pay £60,000 2 kiss Kate Moss

Finally Keane are back

OH MY GOD... Yes the new Keane Ablum is comin out 12 of June...Can't wait n finally
In 2004 Keane were catapulted into the mainstream consciousness with their stirring and majestic take on the epic-indie sound that had already proved successful for the likes of Snow Patrol, Coldplay and Embrace. Infamous for their distinct lack of guitars in favour of delicious slabs of synth-rock and piano-driven indie brilliance, Keane are now back with their sophomore album, 'Under The Iron Sea'. Described by the band as a darker and more raw experience, 'Under The Iron Sea' is the sound of Keane pushing the boundaries of soaring melodica and hook-laden songs that equally shock and excite. Including the rousing and pulsating new single 'Is It Any Wonder?', a track that finds the band at their most confident and anthemic, 'Under The Iron Sea' looks set to be one of the biggest albums of the year.

Final got my Andy Warhol X Uniqlo T-shit.

Finally got my ass down 2 tst 2day, n got my Andy Warhol x Uniqlo. Andy Warhal is one of my favour artist of all time when i was studyin art at sch, i took lots of ideas from his work. A very gd POP artiST. Art incudin the Campbells Soup can, Marily and Elvis series.

Lakers are out>.<

The Suns became only the eighth NBA team in history to come back from a 3-1 series deficit with their 121-90 home victory over Los Angeles on Saturday in Game 7. Phoenix jumped out to a 17-point first quarter lead and never looked back, shooting a blistering 61 percent from the floor. Leandro Barbosa led seven players in double figures with 26 points, while versatile forward Boris Diaw collected 21 points, six rebounds and nine assists. Phoenix welcomed back Raja Bell from a one-game suspension as he came off the bench to play tough defense on Kobe Bryant and notch 13 points on 5-of-7 shooting. Shawn Marion added 14 points and 10 boards for the Suns, who outscored the Lakers by 13 on fastbreak points. Bryant led the Lakers with 24 points, but only totaled only one point in the second half. Luke Walton chipped in with 16 points. Phoenix handed Coach Phil Jackson his first opening-round playoff loss in 15 tries. The Suns, who held the Lakers to 35 percent shooting.
First time ever Phil Jackson didn't make though the first round play off.. a poor poor final game by Lakers ..Sun took total control...n Bryant didn't work his magic thoughout the match. Only shoot 2 time in second half i think.

About time !!!God u r stayin in Liverpool

Robbie Fowler spoke of his delight after the Reds offered him a new one year deal at Anfield.
Manager Rafael Benitez confirmed Fowler will put pen to paper on his contract next week after impressing since his arrival from Manchester City in January. Fowler has netted four goals in 15 games since his return to the club and he's now hoping to further extend his brilliant Anfield scoring record over the next twelve months. Speaking exclusively to Liverpoolfc.tv at Melwood, Fowler said: "It's not signed yet but you can imagine how happy I was when the manager offered me another year. I can't put my feelings into words, this is something I have wanted for a long time. "When I signed for six months in January the manager told me he would look at the situation at the end of the season. He's had a look at what I've done and thankfully I've been given the best possible answer. "I feel as though I've done alright and the manager has been pleased with me as well. I'm looking forward to next season now. I was buzzing when I got a six month deal so you can imagine how happy I am to have been given another year. I am absolutely over the moon. "We've got two games to go and then a break before pre-season. I can't wait for next season now. I just want to get going again. I'm gutted I have to miss next week's Cup final but I wish the lads all the best and I know we can win it." Fowler has been delighted with the reception he's had from Liverpool fans since his return to the club and he's now keen to make further inroads up the all-time Anfield scoring charts. "Ian Rush's record for the club is frightening and if I can get a bit closer to it that'll be great," he added. "I had been treating every game as though it could be my last for Liverpool but now I've got the added incentive of knowing I'll get more chances to wear the red shirt next season. "This club is going places. If you look at the table this season compared to last season there's been a big improvement. Hopefully we can take it a little bit further next season. I would love to be part of a Liverpool side that wins the league championship and I am sure the manager is on the right lines towards achieving it. "Ever since I started at Liverpool as a kid the fans have taken to me and any player will tell you when the supporters of your club are behind you then that helps an awful lot. I just can't thank them enough. They've given me so much support over the years and I'm grateful for that. Now I can't wait to score more goals for them and the club over the next year."
Now we r in business...we will be upstopable next season.. Better watch out !!!!

Bush!!!!!

Spencer Tunick comes again!!

U may have heard of Spencer Tunick an American artist, whose famous for takin nude pic in public places (from Finland to Australia), n wats more amazing is that all the ppls who come r volunteers. Wonder y so many turn up everytime>>>This time he is in front of a statue of Venezuelan national hero Simon Bolivar in downtown Caracas

Lego Last supper?!?!

Kate Moss Lookin hot in black

Interesting...

• THREESOME BET:
  A website that started as a couple's bet over a threesome has taken the world by storm. An anonymous American, known only as Dan, wanted to prove to his girlfriend Kim that anyone can capture the world's attention online, so he bet her that his site would attract two million hits through "email word of mouth". If he won the bet then she would have to find another female to participate in a ménage à trois; if he lost, Dan would have to concede to Kim that he was an idiot for believing that his website, www.helpwinthisbet.com, could attract such a huge number. Today, the total stands at over three million, so Kim better find a third girl quick.
• JUDGE'S CODE:
  The judge who presided over The Da Vinci Code plagiarism case has hidden his own secret code in his judgement. Mr Justice Peter Smith, who ruled in favour of author Dan Brown after he was accused of using ideas from another book, hinted that the assortment of italicised letters in his ruling were more than typographical errors: "I can't discuss the judgement but I don't see why a judgement should not be a matter of fun," he added. He said he would confirm it if someone broke the code, which was "not a difficult thing to do". Hiding a message in a formal High Court judgement is thought to be unprecedented.
• VIRTUAL REALITY:
  Online gamers can now become millionaires by playing computer games. The creators of sci-fi game Entropia Dollars have launched a cash card which lets players spend the money they have accrued in their web game, in the real world. The card can be used at ATMs worldwide and looks set to revolutionise computer gaming. In Entropia, money is made by selling flats and storefronts to other players, or by imposing taxes, and ten Project Entropia Dollars equal one real dollar. Game founder Jan Welter said: "We're bridging the gap between virtual reality and reality."
• TOMKAT PRE-NUP:
  After weeks of legal wrangling, Tom Cruise and his bride-to-be Katie Holmes have signed a £22 million pre-nuptial agreement. An £8 million trust has been set up for Holmes and her two-week old daughter Suri, which they are entitled to regardless of whether the duo marry. If the couple marries and later divorces, Holmes is set to receive an additional £14 million from Cruise, who is worth £250 million. The couple plan to marry in July.
• TAKING THE PLUNGE:
  David Blaine has embarked on his latest stunt: to spend a week under water in a human aquarium. The illusionist will use oxygen and feeding tubes to stay alive in his 8ft high chamber in New York's Lincoln Centre, and will end his "Drowned Alive" stunt next Monday by attempting to set a new world record by holding his breath under water for more than eight minutes and 58 seconds. The American risks hypothermia, fainting, skin problems and nerve damage in his latest stunt.
• INFLUENTIAL FILMMAKER:
  Brokeback Mountain director Ang Lee has landed a coveted spot in Time magazine's 100 Most Influential People. The Oscar-winning Taiwanese filmmaker made the list because his work has crossed cultural lines. Zhang Ziyi, who starred in his Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, said: "His insight into the human heart crosses all boundaries. I know he is also making a huge influence in the lives of younger filmmakers and actors."
• PLANE DECORATION:
  A Chinese businessman has bought an old MiG fighter jet on eBay to decorate his office. Zhang Cheng splashed out £14,000 on the Soviet-made jet, which last flew in 1995, although it is still unclear whether he needs a permit to import it from America. He told the Beijing News: "I have the buying power and my company has an empty space where I can display the plane. I don’t know if this jet plane is a banned item."
• IPODS FOR MINERS:
  Two Australian miners who have been trapped for nine days in a gold mine, 3,000 ft underground, have been given iPods to sustain them. The iPods, programmed with country and western music for one man and hip-hop for the other, were passed through a 4-inch-wide plastic tube, along with food and water. The men, who became trapped when an earthquake hit their mine in Tasmania, don't seem to have lost their sense of humour; on being told that it would take a day to get them out, one miner quipped that he wanted overtime.
• VAMPIRE ATTACK:
  A 15-year-old "vampire" slit the throats of three classmates and tried to drink their blood at her school in New York. One victim, Michelle Melendez, was slashed with the edge of a tin can and needed plastic surgery to treat her injuries: "She was trying to get my jugular vein. There was blood flowing all over my face. My skin was in her mouth and she wouldn't let go." The "vampire", who cannot be named for legal reasons, was charged with second-degree assault as a minor and released. The school involved is now being sued in a multi-million-dollar suit for failing to protect students.
• SCIENCE FACT:
  Cloaking devices that render spacecrafts invisible may soon be more than just science fiction. Scientists propose that placing certain objects close to a material called superlens could make them appear to vanish, in an effect known as "anomalous localised resonance". It will, however, be several years before this stealth technology can be used on dust particles, let alone entire space ships. Professor Sir John Pendry, of Imperial College London, who helped pioneer superlenses, said: "If the speck of dust is close enough it induces a very aggressive response in the cloaking material which essentially acts back on the speck of dust and forces it to stop shining."

The best Mircosoft software>>where can i get it ?/

Resouce from Canice

McClaren for England next??

The FA are expected to bring an end to a long and painful saga by confirming McClaren's appointment following a board meeting in London.
McClaren is likely to be officially paraded as Eriksson's successor on Friday.
Eriksson said: "You know what I think about Steve McClaren, he is extremely good.
"As a coach, he has been perfect. Every time. He is clever, of course. Every time we are together, the coaches sit around for one or two hours after dinner discussing football.
"What to do tomorrow, what the next team might be and everyone has their opinion.
"When I took this job I told them I wanted people to have opinions. I didn't want to have people around me just saying yes.
"He has an opinion. Tord (Grip) always has opinions. Ray (Clemence) and Sammy (Lee) have opinions."
The Swede said there would be no problem working with the 45-year-old at the World Cup if he is appointed.
Eriksson added: "I don't know if he has the job. If that happens, of course it's okay. It will be no problem at all."
The Middlesbrough manager's name was due to be recommended to the board by the selection panel this morning, and the appointment should only be a matter of rubber-stamping.
One member of the six-man selection panel said: "The board actually makes the decision but the panel have recommended Steve McClaren be appointed as the next England manager.
"We have to wait until the meeting but it would be an almighty surprise if the recommendation was not acted upon."
McClaren is the selection panel's second choice - Luiz Felipe Scolari pulled out after being offered the job last week - but there is a sense of unanimity over the appointment, when some board members would have been very unhappy at giving Scolari, a Brazilian, the job.
If there is any disagreement at the board meeting it is likely to focus on the selection process. There has been criticism of FA chief executive Brian Barwick for insisting three months ago that an appointment would be made before the World Cup.
The saga with Scolari was an embarrassment as well, and there have even been calls in some quarters for Barwick to quit.
His position is not under threat, however - the benefit to him of finding Eriksson's successor by committee is that most of those who would have the power to force him out were also part of the selection process.
McClaren is also set to be asked to head a team of other English coaches to work with England. Stuart Pearce and Alan Curbishley have both been discussed by the selection panel as potential assistants. Resource from Teamtalk.com
My thought- Not sure if he is the right guy, lookin at Middlesbrough this season 13th in the Premiership BUT they r in the UEFA final, and he is the England AM now so i guess he will do fine. Although I perfer Scolari 2 be England Manager but he is not from England. So McClaren pls do a gd job....

The race for second is on!!

After ManU draw0-0with Middlesbrough...The race for us to be second is possible once more, only one game left in the season, n ManU leadin by one point, I think we can do it. All will be answer on the 7th of May. So far we r unstoppable winnin the last 9 Premiership games without breakin much sweat, n still the FA cup final 2 play. I say end this season on the high f@#kin note mate..
OH n wat a game it was last week Liverpool 3-1 Aston Villia..Sorry Villia we r just 2 gd..Steven Gerrard again prove y he is the captain of Liverpool